Be Better, Not Bitter

Life can be a challenge. Life can be messy. Life can be just plain annoying. Think about those times when things didn't go exactly your way. Need a few scenarios to spark your memory?

1. Work:  After your presentation, your boss comments that it was good, but she had higher expectations. Are you mad, focus on her flaws and think about how incompetent she is?
2. Commute:   Every day you deal with inconsiderate drivers on your hour commute to work. Today, construction traffic made you late for an appointment. Do you dread the drive and complain incessantly about it?
3. Family:  Your sister backed out of having 50 relatives for Thanksgiving. She expects you to host it for the 3rd year in a row. Do you bad mouth her to everyone who will listen and begrudgingly host Thanksgiving?
4. Friends: Your friend borrowed a few dresses and has been forgetting to return them for 6 months. Do you complain to your other friends about what a flake she is?
5. Love: Your significant other forgot your anniversary. Do you question your relationship and use the silent treatment as punishment?
6. Health: The scale said you gained 5 pounds. Are you depressed, call yourself fat, then head to the fridge?
7. Ex:  While trying to co-parent your kids, you two end up arguing over kids' issues and money. Do you tell your kids what a cheapskate and loser the other parent is?

Yuck! After thinking of all that, I feel like I need a bath! I guess I'll just settle for cleansing my mind.

On Twitter, the Dishy Divorcee gave a glimpse of how she lives her life: "My motto has been better, not bitter...definitely NOT easy." The Dishy Divorcee is so wise! (Check out her blog: http://www.dishydivorcee.com/.)

We may not be able to control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react and feel. See how some of the following work for you:

• Take a deep breath in...and a deep breath out.
• Reflect before reacting.
• Think
• Be thankful
• Forgive
• Learn
• Let go
• Pray
• Love

It may not always be easy, but it can be done. Choose to be positive. Choose to not let circumstances control your emotions. Choose to be better. And remember...

Attitude is Everything,

So Pick a Good One.

May you always remember to be better,

Lisa ~ a Whimsical Sol

Some Of My Friends Are Asses

Yes, it is true, my friends: Charlie, Hannah, Godiva & Gizmo are asses. Lucky for them, they are cute little asses. I always wanted a cute little ass...so I chose Godiva. Since it is no fun to be an ass all by yourself, we found some friends to join her.

Do you have any friends that are asses? Have you ever been around a real-life ass? It doesn't take much to figure out why obnoxious people share their name. At our ranch, the donkeys get jealous if you pay attention to the llamas and start hee-hawing so loud that it echos throughout the barn. They keep it up until you give them some attention. Do you know any loud mouths like that? The donkeys also get easily annoyed with each other and are quick to bite and kick to make their point. Sometimes they fight to be first and keep shoving until they are in front. To summarize, asses can be loud, pushy, and sometimes mean.

Asses aren't all bad. Together, they will fight off a coyote. That's when their kicking really pays off. Around other animals, they watch each other's back. My ass friends at our ranch are also very sweet and loving as long as we set a few boundaries.

1. Asses do not get treats every time you see them.
2. Just because they are loud and complaining, doesn't mean you have to listen to them.
3. Never stand directly behind an ass.
4. If you don't like being around an ass, just walk away.
5. When you turn your back on an ass, don't be surprised if it bites you in the...

What do you think of my rules? So far, they have worked well for me in dealing with the asses in my life. May the asses in your life, be as cute as mine.

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol


***Yes, I see the irony in Godiva's name. You don't get a cute little ass by eating lots of chocolate. :)

Who Made You King of Everything? ................... Oh - I guess I did.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Do you follow the Golden Rule? How's it working for you?

Many of us have spent a greater part of our lives treating others how we would like to be treated. It works well if we are in healthy relationships with people who reciprocate. The problem begins when we completely relinquish our personal power to another person. They begin to form our opinions, make our decisions and seem to rule over us as we continue to try to please them.

We start out just wanting to make the other person happy and before we know it - Poof! - Our identity is gone and we are no longer in control of our own lives. We begin to think of their thoughts as our own, and that their time and opinions have value - and ours do not. This can happen in marriages, friendships, with our parents, co-workers or even our children. 

Sara Bareilles' song, "King of Anything," sounds like it is sung by a reformed people pleaser.  It's a fun to sing along with tune, with a powerful message. When I listen to it I hear a woman admitting that after years of being a doormat and putting his needs, wants, desires and even thoughts before her own, she created a King. Now she is declaring her independence. Listen to the song or just read the lyrics and form your own opinion:

"King Of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah
~

What I find interesting is that controlling people who latch onto people pleasers, seem to think that their point of view is the valid one and that the other person needs to be "fixed" by them. I'd love to hear your take on the this. Please share your comments.

If you see yourself as someone with doormat tendencies, what do you do to change? Time to find your boundaries - the book is called Boundaries. :) Everyone I know that's read this book, has declared it Life Changing!

What are boundaries?

According to Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not."

Physical boundaries- help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances

Mental boundaries - give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions

Emotional boundaries - help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others

Spiritual boundaries: help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator

It can be a good thing to be loving and unselfish, but without limits, we become an exhausted martyr and a boring doormat. We have to save something for ourselves, so we can express our creativity and personal gifts. Remember, we are not doing anyone any favors if we don't allow them to experience the real person we are inside.

It's time to stop trying to make everybody happy. No more hurting or hiding. No more waiting for someone to tell you it's your turn to decide. 

Let Your light shine!

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol

Whew! It Wasn't the Way I Looked, It Was Just My Personality!

Have you ever experienced online dating?  Chances are you cringe and laugh at the same time when asked.  Even if you personally haven't been on Match.com, eHarmony, PlentyofFish or any of the dating sites, you have probably heard some scary and hilarious stories.   What keeps us going on dating sites and encouraging our single friends to do so, are the few stories we hear of someone finding their perfect match or soul mate, or just having someone that keeps them from staying home alone on Friday and Saturday nights - you know, just happy to have a life away from TV and the computer.

Dating online is a great way to get your feet wet after getting out of a long term relationship.  Where else can you flirt in your jammies with a mud mask and teeth whitener on?  You also gain the joy of being picky and painlessly hitting delete, when you are no longer interested.  (On a side note, even if I did like hunting, which I don't, I want to know why so many guys think that holding a dead deer - tongue hanging out and everything, is a good profile pic.  And the guys that think that flexing shirtless in the bathroom mirror self-portrait is sexy, it's not.  Also, the many guys that are throwing a jab at the camera as a joke - not funny in a dating profile pic.  Is this your way of letting us know what it will look like when you punch us in the face?!)

Once you have figured out how to sort through the good guys from the creeps and crazies, you will find that there are some really good guys out there.  I have yet to go out with a guy that wasn't respectful and kind.  That's not to say that some didn't turn out to be kind of odd when I met them in person.  (My weird, true, freaky and  funny dates are for another blog.)

Some men, I have yet to meet in person.   I think they like having someone listen to them without having to to put forth much effort.  Yes, the Effortless Relationship - everything on your terms, no shower or shave needed.    Most of them tend to be workaholics or too scarred from previous relationships, except for this one...

It started last winter.  From our very first eHarmony communication, we clicked.  Soon we were emailing regularly and talking on the phone.   Our instant chemistry was so hot.  We shared photos, the nice kind - nothing nasty.  We shared similar world views, senses of humor, interests - we got along great.  Both of us had been traveling quite a bit and between our kids' schedules, we couldn't seem to find time to meet, so we emailed and talked on the phone daily.  One day he didn't email me and I knew.  I knew he met someone else.

The strange thing is that I wasn't mad.  I really just wanted this guy to be happy.  (When did I get so mature?)  Of course, I was hoping he would be happy with me, but I truly believe that if we were meant to be together, we would find each other again. 

Our relationship, was a bright flame that was distinguished before we even got physically close enough to blow it out.  Disappointed...yes...but far from devastated.  A new me emerged when I made that new friend...and I like her.

Okay, now let me tell you the truth. 

Like most women, I have been rejected before and it hurts.  With this guy, I just felt a little sting and I wasn't busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  As much as I would like to chalk it up to personal growth and maturity, I think I need to ask myself this question:

Why is it easier to get over a guy that dumps me when he has never seen me in person before?  It's true.  One of the first things I said to my girlfriend after he told me he thinks he met "the one," I said, "He didn't even see me.  He didn't choose her because of the way I looked, it was just my personality!"  Seriously!  I was happier knowing that the rejection was based on the person he knew from lots of conversations, emails and photos, not the same "me" in person.  Maybe it's because I felt like I had control over the me I chose to show him; therefore, he was incapable of rejecting the real me. 

What I do know, is that I am finally comfortable and happy with who I am inside, and have never been comfortable with me on the outside.  No matter what size I have been or races I have run, or compliments I have received, I am one of the many women who are insecure about how they appear to others.  I know it makes no sense to diminish who I am as a person.  If a girlfriend would tell me that she doesn't value herself because she is unable to reach an unattainable image, I would come unglued!  Then I would make it my mission to show her the beauty that I see in her.  Do you see the irony?  Do you ever act this way?

The story doesn't end here.  This guy still emails me and I respond.  Maybe I keep communicating because he is a nice guy and I know he missed out...or did I miss out, because I never allowed him to see the real me?  Now that I think about it, this Whimsical Sol needs to work at being Vulnerable, Vivacious & a Vixen.  More importantly, I need to learn to love myself even half as much as I love others! 

Who wants to join me on this journey?

~Lisa