Be Better, Not Bitter

Life can be a challenge. Life can be messy. Life can be just plain annoying. Think about those times when things didn't go exactly your way. Need a few scenarios to spark your memory?

1. Work:  After your presentation, your boss comments that it was good, but she had higher expectations. Are you mad, focus on her flaws and think about how incompetent she is?
2. Commute:   Every day you deal with inconsiderate drivers on your hour commute to work. Today, construction traffic made you late for an appointment. Do you dread the drive and complain incessantly about it?
3. Family:  Your sister backed out of having 50 relatives for Thanksgiving. She expects you to host it for the 3rd year in a row. Do you bad mouth her to everyone who will listen and begrudgingly host Thanksgiving?
4. Friends: Your friend borrowed a few dresses and has been forgetting to return them for 6 months. Do you complain to your other friends about what a flake she is?
5. Love: Your significant other forgot your anniversary. Do you question your relationship and use the silent treatment as punishment?
6. Health: The scale said you gained 5 pounds. Are you depressed, call yourself fat, then head to the fridge?
7. Ex:  While trying to co-parent your kids, you two end up arguing over kids' issues and money. Do you tell your kids what a cheapskate and loser the other parent is?

Yuck! After thinking of all that, I feel like I need a bath! I guess I'll just settle for cleansing my mind.

On Twitter, the Dishy Divorcee gave a glimpse of how she lives her life: "My motto has been better, not bitter...definitely NOT easy." The Dishy Divorcee is so wise! (Check out her blog: http://www.dishydivorcee.com/.)

We may not be able to control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react and feel. See how some of the following work for you:

• Take a deep breath in...and a deep breath out.
• Reflect before reacting.
• Think
• Be thankful
• Forgive
• Learn
• Let go
• Pray
• Love

It may not always be easy, but it can be done. Choose to be positive. Choose to not let circumstances control your emotions. Choose to be better. And remember...

Attitude is Everything,

So Pick a Good One.

May you always remember to be better,

Lisa ~ a Whimsical Sol

Buying the Book Isn't Enough?

Confession time...  You know those people who spend way too much time at bars? Well, I am not one of them.  I could hang out at Barnes & Nobles, a quaint little bookstore or library and get my own special kind of buzz, just from reading book jackets.

Why do you buy books? My books give me comfort. Ever since I was a child, books took me on a journey and seemed to have all of the answers.

Books still just scream off the shelf at me, "Buy Me! I will change your life!"  Having that new inspirational self-help book on my nightstand even seemed to make me sleep better. Oops! Did you catch that? The books were on my nightstand. Somewhere along the way, I slowed down with my book reading and not the purchasing. The self-help books were left at the bottom of the stack, while I read the novels.

The problem began while going through my divorce. I read self-help books like I was studying for a degree - a degree in "what happened to me." I was determined to find the answers in how-to books on: divorce, being a single mom, co-parenting, raising children, recovering from an unhealthy relationship, and books attempting to explain my ex's behavior. Covered in notes and highlighted, these were like textbooks for my messy life. My appetite for these books was insatiable. 

You see, I believed that all of the answers could be found in a book. If I bought that book, it would provide solutions to my struggles or just tell me what I was supposed to do. In a magical way, just seeing the title and reading the back cover, made me feel a little better. It was kind of a quick fix, but there never seemed to be enough.

One day it all changed. I was talking with my therapist over the phone and telling her about my latest box of books from Amazon. Surprisingly, she told me not to open the box.  She said that the books would not help me figure out my ex. It was not my job to analyze him. I read enough. I knew enough. Now it was time to take that knowledge and let the rest go.

Change is a process, and I did not change overnight. Gradually, I caught up on my self-help book reading and now, I rarely buy a new one until I've finished the last. I never did open that box with books that I thought would explain my ex's behavior. Instead, I bought and read books about finding my creativity and writing. :)

Yes, there is much to be learned from self-help books and I still love them. Just remember, you actually need to read them. Then, there comes a time, when you have to take a break from reading and do the work. The books won't change you. It's your job to change yourself.

Read, Process it and put it into Action. That will lead you to the path of living life as your Whimsical Sol.

~Lisa

Who Made You King of Everything? ................... Oh - I guess I did.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Do you follow the Golden Rule? How's it working for you?

Many of us have spent a greater part of our lives treating others how we would like to be treated. It works well if we are in healthy relationships with people who reciprocate. The problem begins when we completely relinquish our personal power to another person. They begin to form our opinions, make our decisions and seem to rule over us as we continue to try to please them.

We start out just wanting to make the other person happy and before we know it - Poof! - Our identity is gone and we are no longer in control of our own lives. We begin to think of their thoughts as our own, and that their time and opinions have value - and ours do not. This can happen in marriages, friendships, with our parents, co-workers or even our children. 

Sara Bareilles' song, "King of Anything," sounds like it is sung by a reformed people pleaser.  It's a fun to sing along with tune, with a powerful message. When I listen to it I hear a woman admitting that after years of being a doormat and putting his needs, wants, desires and even thoughts before her own, she created a King. Now she is declaring her independence. Listen to the song or just read the lyrics and form your own opinion:

"King Of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah
~

What I find interesting is that controlling people who latch onto people pleasers, seem to think that their point of view is the valid one and that the other person needs to be "fixed" by them. I'd love to hear your take on the this. Please share your comments.

If you see yourself as someone with doormat tendencies, what do you do to change? Time to find your boundaries - the book is called Boundaries. :) Everyone I know that's read this book, has declared it Life Changing!

What are boundaries?

According to Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not."

Physical boundaries- help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances

Mental boundaries - give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions

Emotional boundaries - help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others

Spiritual boundaries: help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator

It can be a good thing to be loving and unselfish, but without limits, we become an exhausted martyr and a boring doormat. We have to save something for ourselves, so we can express our creativity and personal gifts. Remember, we are not doing anyone any favors if we don't allow them to experience the real person we are inside.

It's time to stop trying to make everybody happy. No more hurting or hiding. No more waiting for someone to tell you it's your turn to decide. 

Let Your light shine!

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol

The Buzzing of Busyness

Life is a journey.  With a positive attitude and great faith, we can push through, learn and maybe even shine during difficult times.  We know that, but the truth is that living that can be a challenge.  Our daily challenges are not just about survival, but hurts, fears, lost dreams, obstacles, failures or even boredom.  We want to feel significant, have a purpose or desire to make a difference.

How do we deal with all of that?  We get busy buzzing through life.  It starts out as a little hum when you do good things like keeping your house clean, working extra hours, volunteering or helping friends and family.  The more you do, the better you feel and the hum begins to buzz through your life. Other people start a soothing buzz by taking a little break to talk on the phone, enjoying a little snack, catching up on Facebook or surfing the net.  The buzz can quiet your inner pain and frustrations and when life gets out of balance, it can quickly turn to escape and avoidance through excessive amounts of:  food, alcohol, drugs, TV, sleep, sex, gossiping, cleaning, working, exercise, shopping, decorating, volunteering, Facebook, reading, online games where you tend a virtual Farm or line up jewels, or phone games like Angry Birds.    Anything in excess take us on a path away from our true selves and what is truly important.

It is time to just STOP!  Be still.  Be quiet.  Ask:  What are we avoiding by busying ourselves?  Listen...sit still and really listen.  Do you hear that dream of your life whispering to you?  The more you take time to be still and listen, the voice of your dreams will become louder.  You will no longer be able to drown out your Whimsical Sol by the buzzing of being busy.

Is your Whimsical Sol hiding behind the buzz of your life?  Quiet the buzz and start sharing her message with the world.