Some Of My Friends Are Asses

Yes, it is true, my friends: Charlie, Hannah, Godiva & Gizmo are asses. Lucky for them, they are cute little asses. I always wanted a cute little ass...so I chose Godiva. Since it is no fun to be an ass all by yourself, we found some friends to join her.

Do you have any friends that are asses? Have you ever been around a real-life ass? It doesn't take much to figure out why obnoxious people share their name. At our ranch, the donkeys get jealous if you pay attention to the llamas and start hee-hawing so loud that it echos throughout the barn. They keep it up until you give them some attention. Do you know any loud mouths like that? The donkeys also get easily annoyed with each other and are quick to bite and kick to make their point. Sometimes they fight to be first and keep shoving until they are in front. To summarize, asses can be loud, pushy, and sometimes mean.

Asses aren't all bad. Together, they will fight off a coyote. That's when their kicking really pays off. Around other animals, they watch each other's back. My ass friends at our ranch are also very sweet and loving as long as we set a few boundaries.

1. Asses do not get treats every time you see them.
2. Just because they are loud and complaining, doesn't mean you have to listen to them.
3. Never stand directly behind an ass.
4. If you don't like being around an ass, just walk away.
5. When you turn your back on an ass, don't be surprised if it bites you in the...

What do you think of my rules? So far, they have worked well for me in dealing with the asses in my life. May the asses in your life, be as cute as mine.

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol


***Yes, I see the irony in Godiva's name. You don't get a cute little ass by eating lots of chocolate. :)

Buying the Book Isn't Enough?

Confession time...  You know those people who spend way too much time at bars? Well, I am not one of them.  I could hang out at Barnes & Nobles, a quaint little bookstore or library and get my own special kind of buzz, just from reading book jackets.

Why do you buy books? My books give me comfort. Ever since I was a child, books took me on a journey and seemed to have all of the answers.

Books still just scream off the shelf at me, "Buy Me! I will change your life!"  Having that new inspirational self-help book on my nightstand even seemed to make me sleep better. Oops! Did you catch that? The books were on my nightstand. Somewhere along the way, I slowed down with my book reading and not the purchasing. The self-help books were left at the bottom of the stack, while I read the novels.

The problem began while going through my divorce. I read self-help books like I was studying for a degree - a degree in "what happened to me." I was determined to find the answers in how-to books on: divorce, being a single mom, co-parenting, raising children, recovering from an unhealthy relationship, and books attempting to explain my ex's behavior. Covered in notes and highlighted, these were like textbooks for my messy life. My appetite for these books was insatiable. 

You see, I believed that all of the answers could be found in a book. If I bought that book, it would provide solutions to my struggles or just tell me what I was supposed to do. In a magical way, just seeing the title and reading the back cover, made me feel a little better. It was kind of a quick fix, but there never seemed to be enough.

One day it all changed. I was talking with my therapist over the phone and telling her about my latest box of books from Amazon. Surprisingly, she told me not to open the box.  She said that the books would not help me figure out my ex. It was not my job to analyze him. I read enough. I knew enough. Now it was time to take that knowledge and let the rest go.

Change is a process, and I did not change overnight. Gradually, I caught up on my self-help book reading and now, I rarely buy a new one until I've finished the last. I never did open that box with books that I thought would explain my ex's behavior. Instead, I bought and read books about finding my creativity and writing. :)

Yes, there is much to be learned from self-help books and I still love them. Just remember, you actually need to read them. Then, there comes a time, when you have to take a break from reading and do the work. The books won't change you. It's your job to change yourself.

Read, Process it and put it into Action. That will lead you to the path of living life as your Whimsical Sol.

~Lisa

Who Made You King of Everything? ................... Oh - I guess I did.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Do you follow the Golden Rule? How's it working for you?

Many of us have spent a greater part of our lives treating others how we would like to be treated. It works well if we are in healthy relationships with people who reciprocate. The problem begins when we completely relinquish our personal power to another person. They begin to form our opinions, make our decisions and seem to rule over us as we continue to try to please them.

We start out just wanting to make the other person happy and before we know it - Poof! - Our identity is gone and we are no longer in control of our own lives. We begin to think of their thoughts as our own, and that their time and opinions have value - and ours do not. This can happen in marriages, friendships, with our parents, co-workers or even our children. 

Sara Bareilles' song, "King of Anything," sounds like it is sung by a reformed people pleaser.  It's a fun to sing along with tune, with a powerful message. When I listen to it I hear a woman admitting that after years of being a doormat and putting his needs, wants, desires and even thoughts before her own, she created a King. Now she is declaring her independence. Listen to the song or just read the lyrics and form your own opinion:

"King Of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah
~

What I find interesting is that controlling people who latch onto people pleasers, seem to think that their point of view is the valid one and that the other person needs to be "fixed" by them. I'd love to hear your take on the this. Please share your comments.

If you see yourself as someone with doormat tendencies, what do you do to change? Time to find your boundaries - the book is called Boundaries. :) Everyone I know that's read this book, has declared it Life Changing!

What are boundaries?

According to Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not."

Physical boundaries- help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances

Mental boundaries - give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions

Emotional boundaries - help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others

Spiritual boundaries: help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator

It can be a good thing to be loving and unselfish, but without limits, we become an exhausted martyr and a boring doormat. We have to save something for ourselves, so we can express our creativity and personal gifts. Remember, we are not doing anyone any favors if we don't allow them to experience the real person we are inside.

It's time to stop trying to make everybody happy. No more hurting or hiding. No more waiting for someone to tell you it's your turn to decide. 

Let Your light shine!

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol

Whew! It Wasn't the Way I Looked, It Was Just My Personality!

Have you ever experienced online dating?  Chances are you cringe and laugh at the same time when asked.  Even if you personally haven't been on Match.com, eHarmony, PlentyofFish or any of the dating sites, you have probably heard some scary and hilarious stories.   What keeps us going on dating sites and encouraging our single friends to do so, are the few stories we hear of someone finding their perfect match or soul mate, or just having someone that keeps them from staying home alone on Friday and Saturday nights - you know, just happy to have a life away from TV and the computer.

Dating online is a great way to get your feet wet after getting out of a long term relationship.  Where else can you flirt in your jammies with a mud mask and teeth whitener on?  You also gain the joy of being picky and painlessly hitting delete, when you are no longer interested.  (On a side note, even if I did like hunting, which I don't, I want to know why so many guys think that holding a dead deer - tongue hanging out and everything, is a good profile pic.  And the guys that think that flexing shirtless in the bathroom mirror self-portrait is sexy, it's not.  Also, the many guys that are throwing a jab at the camera as a joke - not funny in a dating profile pic.  Is this your way of letting us know what it will look like when you punch us in the face?!)

Once you have figured out how to sort through the good guys from the creeps and crazies, you will find that there are some really good guys out there.  I have yet to go out with a guy that wasn't respectful and kind.  That's not to say that some didn't turn out to be kind of odd when I met them in person.  (My weird, true, freaky and  funny dates are for another blog.)

Some men, I have yet to meet in person.   I think they like having someone listen to them without having to to put forth much effort.  Yes, the Effortless Relationship - everything on your terms, no shower or shave needed.    Most of them tend to be workaholics or too scarred from previous relationships, except for this one...

It started last winter.  From our very first eHarmony communication, we clicked.  Soon we were emailing regularly and talking on the phone.   Our instant chemistry was so hot.  We shared photos, the nice kind - nothing nasty.  We shared similar world views, senses of humor, interests - we got along great.  Both of us had been traveling quite a bit and between our kids' schedules, we couldn't seem to find time to meet, so we emailed and talked on the phone daily.  One day he didn't email me and I knew.  I knew he met someone else.

The strange thing is that I wasn't mad.  I really just wanted this guy to be happy.  (When did I get so mature?)  Of course, I was hoping he would be happy with me, but I truly believe that if we were meant to be together, we would find each other again. 

Our relationship, was a bright flame that was distinguished before we even got physically close enough to blow it out.  Disappointed...yes...but far from devastated.  A new me emerged when I made that new friend...and I like her.

Okay, now let me tell you the truth. 

Like most women, I have been rejected before and it hurts.  With this guy, I just felt a little sting and I wasn't busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  As much as I would like to chalk it up to personal growth and maturity, I think I need to ask myself this question:

Why is it easier to get over a guy that dumps me when he has never seen me in person before?  It's true.  One of the first things I said to my girlfriend after he told me he thinks he met "the one," I said, "He didn't even see me.  He didn't choose her because of the way I looked, it was just my personality!"  Seriously!  I was happier knowing that the rejection was based on the person he knew from lots of conversations, emails and photos, not the same "me" in person.  Maybe it's because I felt like I had control over the me I chose to show him; therefore, he was incapable of rejecting the real me. 

What I do know, is that I am finally comfortable and happy with who I am inside, and have never been comfortable with me on the outside.  No matter what size I have been or races I have run, or compliments I have received, I am one of the many women who are insecure about how they appear to others.  I know it makes no sense to diminish who I am as a person.  If a girlfriend would tell me that she doesn't value herself because she is unable to reach an unattainable image, I would come unglued!  Then I would make it my mission to show her the beauty that I see in her.  Do you see the irony?  Do you ever act this way?

The story doesn't end here.  This guy still emails me and I respond.  Maybe I keep communicating because he is a nice guy and I know he missed out...or did I miss out, because I never allowed him to see the real me?  Now that I think about it, this Whimsical Sol needs to work at being Vulnerable, Vivacious & a Vixen.  More importantly, I need to learn to love myself even half as much as I love others! 

Who wants to join me on this journey?

~Lisa

No Comment???

I have to admit that I did think it was a little strange that no one had commented on any of my blogs.  Even my closest friends who normally cheer me on with my latest adventures, were silent.  Finally, my insecurities got the best of me and I asked a friend what she thought of my blog.  She acted confused and made a remark about the funny comment she had posted.  I told her that I hadn't seen comments from anyone.

So it wasn't me!  Well, actually it was me...I didn't set up the comment section so people could post comments.

Now is the time that I ask you for a favor.  If you attempted to comment on my blog posts in the past or even thought about it, would you please share your thoughts in the now working comment section?

Thank you!  Keep living the life you love!

~ Lisa

The Flavor of Flaws

When I talk to someone about being a Whimsical Sol, I often ask them a simple question.  What are the first 3 words that you would use to describe yourself?  Oh, and remember, they must be positive.  Try doing that with your group of friends and really listen to their responses.  How long was there dead silence before they started sharing?  How many of them laughed and joked about it?  Were they even able to think of 3 words without any coaching?

Now try asking your friends to name a flaw.  Have you ever been with a group of girlfriends and one of them shares a flaw?  It starts with a simple comment like, "Your hair looks so pretty today."   The other friend's response is, "Look at my roots!  I can't believe how gray my hair is getting.  Thank God for Kathy, my colorist!"  Then the conversation really takes off.  Everyone seems to chime in on their early gray hairs, their wild gray hairs and even the graying down below. Next they are talking about how their hair is too curly, too straight, too fine, too flat or hair showing up in places that it should just never be. As your girlfriends take turns sharing their graying fears and awful hair experiences, they share the solutions.  Soon you know way more about hair color processes and are trying to decide if you should try Brown Betty or just get a Brazilian.  Before long, everyone has shared something about the gray, wrinkled and hairy mess that they are or will soon become.  You all agree that these changes suck and you are going to fight them.

When someone says they like your toenail polish, how do you reply?  Most often I hear, "Oh, thanks, but it is so chipped up.  I really need a pedicure, my feet are so rough and gross."   The conversation goes from complaining to comparing nail salons in the area.

Have you ever had a girlfriend compliment your outfit and before you could say thank you, she was saying how that would never look good on her?  Her butt is too big or she says she has a poochy tummy or worse yet, she said she has a gunt.  (That's an offensive word I have heard too much lately and I find it disturbing.)

Another favorite topic is breast size...or location?  It begins with my boobs are too big, small, saggy, whatever.  Even the women with implants complain about the placement, size or complications.  No one ever seems to say, my breasts are perfect and perky.  Even if they are, I have yet to hear any woman say that.

Do you see what happens?  Girlfriends bond over their flaws.  When someone opens up and shares a flaw, it eases the other girlfriends' insecurities.  They can listen, learn and relate to you.  It's a way of mirroring.  They can see themselves in you, because so few women see themselves as perfect.

Our flaws seem to give our personalities a little flavor.  They make us real and approachable.  Since we are not busy intimidating one another, we are able to relate and eventually lead to having a real conversation.  We just need to remember that if we focus too much on our flaws, the flavor turns sour and overpoweringly bitter.

The best part of lightly flavoring our conversations with our flaws is that our girlfriends counter with what is real.  They share what they admire and love about us.  That's what we need to hear.  That is what we need to hear from ourselves. 

How about if we start focusing on just 3 positive words about ourselves?  Don't worry, it won't make you arrogant or unapproachable.  Your girlfriends will still love you,  if you love yourself.  Elevate your conversations.  It is contagious.

Blessings and Peace

New beginnings...a new home...a new life.  Almost 8 years ago, my hidden Whimsical Sol began to shine bright again.  I found the courage to leave an unhealthy marriage.  With my 1 and 2 year old sons and my parrot, I started on a journey of faith, self-discovery, strength, healing, love and most of all peace. 

How I endured and eventually escaped an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship, is something that I am going to have to ease into sharing.  My ex used to joke that I had "SMD" -"Selective Memory Disorder."  It was a fake disorder that he made up to describe my ability to only remember the good.  Ironically, it turned out that my "Selective  Memory Disorder" was actually a defense mechanism that allowed me to endure being with him as long as I did.  The point is that, I like to focus on the positive and it takes a great deal of mental strength to think back on painful times in my life.  I can do it, it might just take me awhile.

Back to new beginnings...

Pretty much everyone has read or at least heard of  "The Secret."  I knew "the Secret" without even knowing that I knew it.  When I first left my ex, I moved into my parents' home in California.  Even though my Mom and Dad lived out of state, I envisioned a new home for my new life.  I visited model homes in my area and really saw the kids and I living in each one.  At night, while my kids slept, I would study the Bible, inspirational & self-help books, pour through the model home brochures and Pottery Barn catalogs, and pray. 

Two months after I had left, with no money and lengthy and painful divorce proceedings ahead of me, the kids and I visited my parents.  I  had casually talked to my Mom about the beautiful new development in my area.  The next day, my Mom said that she talked to my Dad and he suggested I see what's available.  I was shocked because I had no idea that they would be able to help me with my dream.  One month later, I chose my home, then it was built and we were moving in 10 months after I had first begun my journey.  (A few years later, I was able to repay my parents.)

Yes, I was blessed - I am blessed!  I had faith that God would take care of my boys and me and he did it in a much bigger way than I ever thought possible!  I was so excited about my new beginning that I wanted some ground rules or better yet, a blessing posted in the entry of our new home.  I began to spend way too much time on the site: http://www.wonderfulgraffiti.com/.  (I verified the site and it is now Wall Art.) Wonderful Graffiti had an amazing collection of quotes and sayings and designs to stick on your walls.  "Welcome," in a magificent font was a nice start; it was just too basic/simple for me. Since I wasn't ready to give up quite yet, "God Bless This Mess," didn't sound right.  I finally ended up modifying one of their sayings: 

When you enter my home this it was you see and hopefully, what you experience.  What do you want to welcome into you life? 

May you find your Whimsical Sol and know only blessings and peace,

~Lisa