Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Who Made You King of Everything? ................... Oh - I guess I did.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Do you follow the Golden Rule? How's it working for you?

Many of us have spent a greater part of our lives treating others how we would like to be treated. It works well if we are in healthy relationships with people who reciprocate. The problem begins when we completely relinquish our personal power to another person. They begin to form our opinions, make our decisions and seem to rule over us as we continue to try to please them.

We start out just wanting to make the other person happy and before we know it - Poof! - Our identity is gone and we are no longer in control of our own lives. We begin to think of their thoughts as our own, and that their time and opinions have value - and ours do not. This can happen in marriages, friendships, with our parents, co-workers or even our children. 

Sara Bareilles' song, "King of Anything," sounds like it is sung by a reformed people pleaser.  It's a fun to sing along with tune, with a powerful message. When I listen to it I hear a woman admitting that after years of being a doormat and putting his needs, wants, desires and even thoughts before her own, she created a King. Now she is declaring her independence. Listen to the song or just read the lyrics and form your own opinion:

"King Of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh

What I find interesting is that controlling people who latch onto people pleasers, seem to think that their point of view is the valid one and that the other person needs to be "fixed" by them. I'd love to hear your take on the this. Please share your comments.

If you see yourself as someone with doormat tendencies, what do you do to change? Time to find your boundaries - the book is called Boundaries. :) Everyone I know that's read this book, has declared it Life Changing!

What are boundaries?

According to Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not."

Physical boundaries- help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances
Mental boundaries - give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions
Emotional boundaries - help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others
Spiritual boundaries: help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator

It can be a good thing to be loving and unselfish, but without limits, we become an exhausted martyr and a boring doormat. We have to save something for ourselves, so we can express our creativity and personal gifts. Remember, we are not doing anyone any favors if we don't allow them to experience the real person we are inside.

It's time to stop trying to make everybody happy. No more hurting or hiding. No more waiting for someone to tell you it's your turn to decide. 

Let Your light shine!

~Lisa...a Whimsical Sol


Lorena Angell said...

Excellent post! You nailed it on this. I think so many women feel they need to be pleasers, helpers and subservients but its not so. Especially when they dismiss their own identity completely. A good man allows a woman to grow and expand(I don't mean waistline per say, lol) He doesn't take advantage of a pleaser, a giver, he enhances one. Now, if only everyone could find a good one.

Here's another example: my daughter in the 5th grade befriended a girl who had no other friends. There was a good reason why the girl had no friends but we didn't clue in right away as to why. One day I noticed my daughter not being as assertive or opinionated like normal and we began to address the situation. I changed my parenting technique to include: be selfish with your own happiness, don't let anyone take it from you.

Whimsical Sols said...

Lorena, you are an amazing Mom! You are teaching your daughter how to truly live & giving her a gift that will last lifetime.

I nailed it? Well, thank you! My next blog might have to be on finding a Real Good Man. Maybe you could give me some advice on that one? :)